Chapter 1 "I'm an A-hole"

Chapter One

 

I'm an Asshole

 

I was having a particularly nasty fight with my second ex, Kate.  My friend Shipley was there to observe the fight in all it's perverse glory.  That bitch had no class, she was beautiful, but she had no class.  She couldn't wait to chew my ass when we were alone, NO.  She had to dig into me in front of a friend.  I stormed out of the kitchen and locked myself in my office, as was my fashion.  She raged at Shipley:

"He's such an asshole!"

"Kate he's always been an asshole.  He was an asshole when you met him, an asshole when you married him and he's still an asshole."  "At least he's consistent."

No higher praise as ever been heaped upon me.  At least someone understands my true nature.  What makes me an asshole is I don't give a flying fuck about what you or anybody else thinks about me.  I just don't care.  There's a certain feeling of freedom in it.

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man

To be the sad man, behind blue eyes.........

My brother is 12 years older than me and my step-sister 16.  I was an oopsie baby.  By the time I became aware of this horrible world my sister had a life and my brother got a suitcase for his 17th birthday.  I was raised pretty much an only child. There were no children even close to my age in the neighborhood.  Besides, mom was terrified I'd get kidnapped and raped. She wouldn't let my out the house or the fenced backyard.  I lived a very sheltered and lonely life.  But I learned to enjoy being alone.  No one to fuck with me.  I still have a need for a lot of alone time.  Best for everybody.  However, this sequestered life made me socially awkward and not equipped with the tools to deal with society at the most basic level.

My first day of kindergarten was shock to the system.  There were 30 children in the room.  I didn't know that many children existed in the whole world.  I was never a child, just a short adult (which I still am).  I found them childish and annoying.  I didn't like them.  I still don't like children.  Some people are afraid of clowns.  I'm afraid of children.  They might come out of the cornfield or have a creepy 666 tattoo on their neck.  Children have no conscience; their brain isn't wired for it till they grow up.  Teenagers aren't afraid of death because that part of the brain hasn't developed yet.

I don't like people.  I will explain later.  I am not a racist, a misogynist or a homophobe.  I am an equal opportunity hater and I do not suffer fools gladly.  No matter your race, creed, color, ethnicity, political philosophy, sexual orientation, social status, wealth or poverty, fame or obscurity: I hate your stinking guts.  Your enemies usually never hurt you.  They don't get close enough.  It's your so-called friends that will steal from you, drink your beer and fuck your old lady.  I have few friends and don't want any more.  The only friend I've made in the last 15 years is Marie (see chapter 6).  Yeah that went well.

I'm not a mean asshole, well, rarely.  I'm just a sarcastic, opinionated wisecracking, asshole.  I've rarely been called an asshole in anger.  I have a Hawkeye Pierce sense of humor, and I do a mean Groucho.   Sure it's funny and entertaining but would you want to live with that?  I'm not a comic I'm a counter puncher.  Someone has to say something stupid or leave me a straight line and BAM, I let 'em have it.  It's like a hanging curve ball or an inside low fastball.  It's completely irresistible to me.  I make a crack and someone says "Jack, you're such an asshole."  Another assholish quality is I don't care what other people think about me.  You can't make me do anything I don't want to and I'll do it in my own damn time.  My usual apparel for years has been Levi 501's and a t-shirt.  The more faded and holes in the 501's the better.  I've had people try to get me to dress a little nicer and for God's sake shave.  If George Clooney shows up in holy Levi's and 2 days growth of beard he's cool. Me I'm just a slob.  Starting to see why I hate people?

I'm an early riser, never a late night person.  I don't hang out and close a bar.  That's when the REAL parties start.  You go to someone's house with a bunch of other drunks.  Get drunker and do drugs.  Drugs are good but I prefer mine to go.  Don't like a crowd.  I've been watching this TV show on reruns at 6:00 and 7:00 A.M.  It's called "Angel", a spin-off of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."  Angel is a 250 year old vampire who was cursed with a soul by gypsies 150 years ago.  He was one of the worst, most evil, of all vampires.  But since he got his soul he feels guilty about what he did and is now trying to atone for his sins by being a hero.  He doesn't eat people anymore, but he still has to resist the urge.  Occasionally Angelis his old vampire self gets loose.  If he experiences a moment of pure bliss he turns evil.  Like when he a Buffy knocked boots, he went all fang-boy and bit her and killed a few other people.  So you're asking; what the hell does this have to do with me being an asshole?

The abuse I suffered from women and school has made me mean.  I do my best to keep it hidden.  I stay away from women and people in general.  I have fits of rage when I feel someone is crossing the line.  Rarely have I hit anyone, but I have threatened to shoot a few.  Generally when I lose my temper it's like going Donald Duck.  Most people don't want to fight a crazy person.  Angel, when he's not saving world, sets in the dark and broods.  So here I sit in the dark cold morning, wearing my Hawkeye Pierce red bathrobe, watching Angel, and brooding.  Brood: To meditate morbidly; to pine or grieve.  Yeah, got that down pat.  Brood also means to sit on an egg and hatch it.  Just looked, no egg under my ass, must be the former and not the latter.